Uncertainty and confusion

Why do I need to go through this again? I don’t want to mentally get back to my teenage years, but it's really not the same thing. I'm older now and despite everything that happened, and that hasn’t happened, I have developed, matured, become wiser, to some extent.
But still, I fear. Uncertain, confused and with an unclear understanding of reality. I don’t know how I'm going to take on the everyday life. How does one do it, when nobody is standing over you with a whip and an endless row of constant demands?
I have to feed my kids, pay bills, make sure things are working as they should. How? I feel like a five year old who suddenly get the budget responsibility for a whole country, and I know I have to, just do it, otherwise I end up like  Greece. Ha ... ha ...
At the same time it’s nice to be allowed to be naive and constantly amazed, to mind yourself and make your own mistakes. I get so insanely angry when I miss things and make mistakes, but when I eventually calm down, it is still a kind of relieve,. I have made a mistake and it is my mistake, and I myself take responsibility for it. I decide when the error is large, and when it is small. I decide how serious it is. Nobody forces me to repentance and restoration due to a dropped spoon or a forgotten mitten.
I mind my own business and I am being myself, as far as I have begun to understand what that is, who I am. The old cliché "to find yourself" fit interestingly enough really well here. What is also interesting, is that when I look back at my teens, my childhood, and try to find who I was, my inner core, not the temporary whims or fleeting attempts to try to keep up with what was in or not, I find the same things over and over again, in different ways. I guess these are the things that make my heart and soul, or at least the larger parts of it.

So what am I, if I see to what I have learned about myself in different ages? I'm naive, playful, largely positive, but I can get deep periods of depression. I am creative, love music, art, and odd people. I also love nature and would prefer to live somewhere where I can have animals, such as goats, chickens, cats and rabbits. I can be unruly and stubborn as hell and when it really matters, I never give up. For better or worse. I don’t know why, but often before have I thought that many of those things has only been temporary, in one way or another, but they come back, time after time. Although the negative sides of me, those depressions, and my insecurity and inability to understand social codes, they are also a part of me.
It's just who I am.

To me it's not really a question of letting other people take me as I am, that is not really a problem for me, the problem for me is to adapt to things like the social ways at my work etc. For me it is a question of learning how to take myself as I am and not try to force myself into doing things better and in other ways. Not to bear down at myself, make myself smaller and be my own worst critic (with a sharp and pointy pen).

I have no money, I have long since burned out and beyond, because of stress, work issues, feelings of inadequacy and so much more. My children take and need special help so many different ways. I don’t even dare to be sick, out of fear of becoming totally financially bankrupt.

But I'm free.
And I'm happy.