Why do I need to go through this again? I don’t want to mentally get back to my teenage years, but it's really not the same thing. I'm older now and despite everything that happened, and that hasn’t happened, I have developed, matured, become wiser, to some extent.
But still, I fear. Uncertain, confused and with an unclear understanding of reality. I don’t know how I'm going to take on the everyday life. How does one do it, when nobody is standing over you with a whip and an endless row of constant demands?
I have to feed my kids, pay bills, make sure things are working as they should. How? I feel like a five year old who suddenly get the budget responsibility for a whole country, and I know I have to, just do it, otherwise I end up like Greece. Ha ... ha ...
At the same time it’s nice to be allowed to be naive and constantly amazed, to mind yourself and make your own mistakes. I get so insanely angry when I miss things and make mistakes, but when I eventually calm down, it is still a kind of relieve,. I have made a mistake and it is my mistake, and I myself take responsibility for it. I decide when the error is large, and when it is small. I decide how serious it is. Nobody forces me to repentance and restoration due to a dropped spoon or a forgotten mitten.
I mind my own business and I am being myself, as far as I have begun to understand what that is, who I am. The old cliché "to find yourself" fit interestingly enough really well here. What is also interesting, is that when I look back at my teens, my childhood, and try to find who I was, my inner core, not the temporary whims or fleeting attempts to try to keep up with what was in or not, I find the same things over and over again, in different ways. I guess these are the things that make my heart and soul, or at least the larger parts of it.
So what am I, if I see to what I have learned about myself in different ages? I'm naive, playful, largely positive, but I can get deep periods of depression. I am creative, love music, art, and odd people. I also love nature and would prefer to live somewhere where I can have animals, such as goats, chickens, cats and rabbits. I can be unruly and stubborn as hell and when it really matters, I never give up. For better or worse. I don’t know why, but often before have I thought that many of those things has only been temporary, in one way or another, but they come back, time after time. Although the negative sides of me, those depressions, and my insecurity and inability to understand social codes, they are also a part of me.
It's just who I am.
To me it's not really a question of letting other people take me as I am, that is not really a problem for me, the problem for me is to adapt to things like the social ways at my work etc. For me it is a question of learning how to take myself as I am and not try to force myself into doing things better and in other ways. Not to bear down at myself, make myself smaller and be my own worst critic (with a sharp and pointy pen).
I have no money, I have long since burned out and beyond, because of stress, work issues, feelings of inadequacy and so much more. My children take and need special help so many different ways. I don’t even dare to be sick, out of fear of becoming totally financially bankrupt.
But I'm free.
And I'm happy.
måndag 27 juni 2011
torsdag 7 april 2011
The subtle signals and words
He says "you should",
he means "you MUST".
If I act accordingly to the word and not the meaning, I get called egoistic, ignorant and selfish.
He says "My view on this is",
he means "our view on this is".
And if I say otherwise I havent listened, I have no respect and I am childish.
Even now he say things like that. Today he said "if I were you I would do this", and I knew that what he really menat was "Do this because I say so". But I didn't. I did it my own way.
As a result I now feel like shit since he has spent every free minute since then to nag and talk and go through the suject again.
My logic knows the trutht, but my feelings are not following, yet.
he means "you MUST".
If I act accordingly to the word and not the meaning, I get called egoistic, ignorant and selfish.
He says "My view on this is",
he means "our view on this is".
And if I say otherwise I havent listened, I have no respect and I am childish.
Even now he say things like that. Today he said "if I were you I would do this", and I knew that what he really menat was "Do this because I say so". But I didn't. I did it my own way.
As a result I now feel like shit since he has spent every free minute since then to nag and talk and go through the suject again.
My logic knows the trutht, but my feelings are not following, yet.
onsdag 6 april 2011
Why this is written in such a confusing way
I am not going to write this as the "story of my life", I just want to explain. It might sound confusing at times, mainly because I keep remembering more and more things
that has happened, things that I havent thought about for a long time. Things that now
makes me be ashamed of how I acted in the past. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but
I am so used to be ashamed. For many years I felt horrible because I secretly didn't
like that my husband had access to my mail account and bank account. I felt there was
something wrong with me for having these feelings. About a year before I told that I
wanted a divorce, I changed the password to my mail. He was not happy. Why would I do
that, and what was I hiding? I was scared and ashamed but I didn't give him my new
password. I think he never forgave me for that.
that has happened, things that I havent thought about for a long time. Things that now
makes me be ashamed of how I acted in the past. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but
I am so used to be ashamed. For many years I felt horrible because I secretly didn't
like that my husband had access to my mail account and bank account. I felt there was
something wrong with me for having these feelings. About a year before I told that I
wanted a divorce, I changed the password to my mail. He was not happy. Why would I do
that, and what was I hiding? I was scared and ashamed but I didn't give him my new
password. I think he never forgave me for that.
The first start of independence
About three years ago, something made me tell my husband that I wanted a divorce. I
actually didn't know at the time exactly why, I just felt that I had to get out, get
away or I would die,from.. something. I didn't know why I felt that way. As I
understood it, we had an almost perfect marriage. Ofc, my husband didn't have it to
easy, since he had to do all the cleaning and laundry, and I never managed to clean
the kitchen when I was supposed to. I struggled so hard all the time, to do it right,
to clean and cook and do the laundry as he said it should be done, but it was never
good enough and he alwas ran ahead of me and did it himself. I spent a lot of my time
hanging my head down in shame. When I hadn't been doing well enough, he had "talks"
with me, during wich he let me know that my behaviour was not acceptable, it wasn't
fair to let him do all the work when I knew how I should be doing and when. I was not
only almost constantly ashamed, I was also almost constantly afraid, scared, and I
couldnt really say why. What was I afraid for? I was never afraid that he would hit me
or even lay a hand on me. I was afraid that he would _talk_ . I was scared to death
about the talks, because even the times when I thought I knew what I was doing, he
could talk me down to pieces. I came out from those talks, realising that I had been
wrong all the time, realising that I was a horrible, egoistic person who only thought
of herself, and that it was my damn responisbility to better myself, for my kids and
familys sake. And I tried.
actually didn't know at the time exactly why, I just felt that I had to get out, get
away or I would die,from.. something. I didn't know why I felt that way. As I
understood it, we had an almost perfect marriage. Ofc, my husband didn't have it to
easy, since he had to do all the cleaning and laundry, and I never managed to clean
the kitchen when I was supposed to. I struggled so hard all the time, to do it right,
to clean and cook and do the laundry as he said it should be done, but it was never
good enough and he alwas ran ahead of me and did it himself. I spent a lot of my time
hanging my head down in shame. When I hadn't been doing well enough, he had "talks"
with me, during wich he let me know that my behaviour was not acceptable, it wasn't
fair to let him do all the work when I knew how I should be doing and when. I was not
only almost constantly ashamed, I was also almost constantly afraid, scared, and I
couldnt really say why. What was I afraid for? I was never afraid that he would hit me
or even lay a hand on me. I was afraid that he would _talk_ . I was scared to death
about the talks, because even the times when I thought I knew what I was doing, he
could talk me down to pieces. I came out from those talks, realising that I had been
wrong all the time, realising that I was a horrible, egoistic person who only thought
of herself, and that it was my damn responisbility to better myself, for my kids and
familys sake. And I tried.
Children and so
I love my children very much and I wanted them so very much. But when I was 16, I felt
I wanted to wait with kids until I was at least 25 or so, I didn't feel ready, I
didn't feel a need to have kids with my boyfriend. He started talking about kids the
first year we were together. He wanted kids right away. It would be best for the kids
to have young parents and I didn't want to be mean to the kids, did I? I managed to
say no until sometime after I was 18. We started trying. I had pains, could hardly
have sex (one of the first things that happened after we met was that I got
vulvodynia) but struggled on. And nothing happened. During this time I actually felt
so horrible and was so unhappy that I broke up with him. But he told me he was sorry
for beeing so controling and that we should start all over again, and even get engaged
again, a new start, and all would be good. I believed him. Since we still didn't get
pregnant, we went to see a specialist. It was discovered that I have PCOS and
treatment began. After a long time and lots of hormones, blood tests and one
operation, our first son was born. And I thougt that now, things would be better.
I wanted to wait with kids until I was at least 25 or so, I didn't feel ready, I
didn't feel a need to have kids with my boyfriend. He started talking about kids the
first year we were together. He wanted kids right away. It would be best for the kids
to have young parents and I didn't want to be mean to the kids, did I? I managed to
say no until sometime after I was 18. We started trying. I had pains, could hardly
have sex (one of the first things that happened after we met was that I got
vulvodynia) but struggled on. And nothing happened. During this time I actually felt
so horrible and was so unhappy that I broke up with him. But he told me he was sorry
for beeing so controling and that we should start all over again, and even get engaged
again, a new start, and all would be good. I believed him. Since we still didn't get
pregnant, we went to see a specialist. It was discovered that I have PCOS and
treatment began. After a long time and lots of hormones, blood tests and one
operation, our first son was born. And I thougt that now, things would be better.
A little background.
I met my ex when I was 16 and he was 19. I had been bullied in school and I was so grateful that anybody wanted me, that I did all I can to hang on to him.He did all he
could to tie me closer to him, although I didnt see it then. He wanted me to move away
from home at once, but my mother wouldn't let me. He got very angry, and severalt
times accused me of being to afraid of what my mother would say. I was crying and
crying but finally I turned 18 and could move to his apartement. Then it would all be
good, I thought. I was working very hard at this time to better myself in different
ways, my (then) boyfriend told me I was being childish and silly and I had to stop
that. At 16, as I was when we first met, I think one is entitled to be childish and
silly, but as with so much else, I didn't know that then. I worked hard, when I
started taking complementary school classes and met new friends, he told me I was
acting ridiculous and disrespectful towards him. I ended up cutting off contact with
my new friends. At the time I met him, I was applying to a lot of art schools, since
my big interest in life has always been art and music, I love creating in many ways
and I feel I cant live without it. I was about to send in some of the applications and
was busy creating the work samples needed for it. My boyfriend didn't say much about
it at first, but he wasn't happy that it took so much of my time. I ended up trying to
make him happier by hasting through my creating, and in the end, I didn't get in to
the school. No wonder really, I had done such a lousy job on the work samples. My
boyfriend was not unhappy though, he explained to me that it was my mothers fault for
making me believe that I could actually be what I wanted. Instead, I should look for a
job that gave us money.I never sent in the rest of the applications.
could to tie me closer to him, although I didnt see it then. He wanted me to move away
from home at once, but my mother wouldn't let me. He got very angry, and severalt
times accused me of being to afraid of what my mother would say. I was crying and
crying but finally I turned 18 and could move to his apartement. Then it would all be
good, I thought. I was working very hard at this time to better myself in different
ways, my (then) boyfriend told me I was being childish and silly and I had to stop
that. At 16, as I was when we first met, I think one is entitled to be childish and
silly, but as with so much else, I didn't know that then. I worked hard, when I
started taking complementary school classes and met new friends, he told me I was
acting ridiculous and disrespectful towards him. I ended up cutting off contact with
my new friends. At the time I met him, I was applying to a lot of art schools, since
my big interest in life has always been art and music, I love creating in many ways
and I feel I cant live without it. I was about to send in some of the applications and
was busy creating the work samples needed for it. My boyfriend didn't say much about
it at first, but he wasn't happy that it took so much of my time. I ended up trying to
make him happier by hasting through my creating, and in the end, I didn't get in to
the school. No wonder really, I had done such a lousy job on the work samples. My
boyfriend was not unhappy though, he explained to me that it was my mothers fault for
making me believe that I could actually be what I wanted. Instead, I should look for a
job that gave us money.I never sent in the rest of the applications.
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